Spiritual Perspectives
Project Rachel: Healing the Wounds of Abortion

By Geri A. Moore
Special to The Independent

"Do you know that God forgives you, my dear?" In a soft, almost whispering voice, Father Sam spoke in a tone that concealed the immense provocation of the question.

Here was this 70-something year old man, sitting in a straight back chair, wearing a brown robe that appeared heavier than his body weight. Large, economy size shiny black beads cinched his frail waist. His smooth, sun-burned face with friendly sky-blue eyes were haloed by a white cloud of hair.

Sam's appearance reminded me of my mother's prized Hummel monk set. Smiling, pottery glazed Franciscan Friars lined up in descending order of use.... large milk pitcher, sugar bowl, little creamer. This cartoon-like flashback from my Catholic girlhood was just one of the many memories and mayhems this gentle Jungian therapist psychically probed.

Father Sam was the priest assigned to me by Project Rachel, a program sponsored by the Catholic Church, which provided free, confidential counseling, reconciliation and spiritual direction for those who had been wounded by abortion.

At age 45, when attempting to "get clean and sober" (again) a long list of past secrets and present symptoms unraveled in sessions with an addictions counselor. Bouts of crying, depression, guilt, inability to forgive, intense sadness/grief, anger/rage, emotional numbness, sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, nightmares, flashbacks, suicidal urges, difficulty with relationships, fear of intimacy, anxiety and panic attacks, discomfort around babies and pregnant women, fear or ambivalence about pregnancy, and separation from God, family and self.

This was the chain of my life twisted, tarnished and locked up in a forgotten black velvet corner of a once-beautiful jewelry box. With a diagnosis of Post-Abortion Syndrome and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, twenty-five years after the secret and the shame of two abortions, I started on a life-changing, life-affirming journey with Father Sam.

"Do I know that God forgives me?" I slowly stretched out each word of the phrase. To repeat the question was a technique I often used to stall while I made up a lie or considered what I was supposed to answer. However, something about this old guy's sweetness cancelled out my usual wisecracking avoidance. With an ache in my heart and the voice of the little girl who saw the Hummels in the family kitchen, I weakly responded, "Yes, I know God forgives me because that's his job."

With a hearty and spontaneous laugh, Sam leaned closer to me and chuckled. "Well," he said, "that's great, we can move right into you forgiving yourself." Shifting to prayer-like seriousness and wrapping his warm, thin hands into my cold, trembling fingertips, he recited: "Rachel mourns her children; she refuses to be consoled because her children are no more. Thus says the Lord: Cease your cries of mourning. Wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown will have its reward. There is hope for the future." (Jeremiah 31:15-17)

He continued in that kind, soft voice which I began to recognize as the sweet sound of compassion and love, "Geri, you begin today to learn how to experience the forgiveness, freedom and peace waiting for you in the tender embrace of God's love and mercy." As I went through the next ten months of the Five Stage Abortion Healing Process, that verse from Jeremiah and those words of promise became my daily affirmations.

• Stage 1 — Accept The Reality of The Loss: "For all about me are evils beyond reckoning, my sins overcome me that I can not see and my heart fails me." (Psalm 40:13)
  
  
• Stage 2 — Experience The Pain: "I am wearied with sighing: every night I flood my bed with weeping; I drench my couch with tears." (Psalm 6:7)
  
  
• Stage 3 — Adjust To The Environment; Without The Deceased Child: "Look toward me and have pity on me, for I am alone and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart, bring me out of the distress." (Psalm 25:16-17)
  
  
• Stage 4 — Reinvest The Energy From Grief: "My God, I cried out to you and you healed me. At nightfall, weeping enters in, but with dawn, rejoicing." (Psalm 30:3-6)
  
  
• Stage 5 — Final: "The sorrow you have shown will have it's reward. There is hope for the future." (Jeremiah 31:17)

Twelve years have gone by; Father Sam died at age 83 in 2005. With many knots untied and the shine restored, the chain of choices is now worn proudly symbol of forgiveness, peace and freedom and hope for the future.

Geri A. Moore, is a former addictions counselor who now specializes in working as a Relationship Coach to Mid and Later Life Women. Geri coaches and presents seminars on issues of: addiction, trauma, transition, alternative recovery options and relationships. She can be reached at gerimoore@aol.com or (505) 722-5412. She offers free coaching sessions to female ex-offenders and female correctional officers.

This column is the result of a desire by community members, representing different faith communities, to share their ideas about bringing a spiritual perspective into our daily lives and community issues.

For information about contributing a guest column, contact Elizabeth Hardin-Burrola at the Independent: (505) 863-8611, ext. 218 or lizreligion01@yahoo.com.